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Learning for Life: Cultivating a Student Spirituality
Week 19
Peter Schuurman, Educational Missions Leader
19.1 Crossing the Canyon
“The greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:10
Our holy days (holidays) are often high on consumption and low on meaning. All the bright red hearts and creamy chocolates of Valentine’s Day, for example, hide the very ambiguous earthy origins of the day. Those who are single, desperate, or single again can take comfort in the fact that St. Valentine’s life was anything but a bouquet of a dozen red roses. Tradition says he was a celibate priest in Rome in the 3rd century who helped the Christians being persecuted under the Emperor Claudius II. Because he married young couples contrary to the Emperor’s wishes he was eventually arrested and urged to recant his faith in Christ. He refused, so he was beaten with clubs and later beheaded. The date of his execution was February 14, 270 AD.
Celibacy, romance, and marriage are not bad, but they are dangerous. In the shadows of each hides a loneliness, a loneliness that cries for connection. We are made in God’s image, and if God is a loving trinity, he is by nature a social being. We, too, are social beings by design. God made us for loving community, and that is why love is the greatest virtue and gift.
I was not married until my mid-thirties. I remember each Sunday as a single male, standing at the back of the church, glancing over the congregation, wondering with whom I would sit. It was liberating, awkward and depressing all at the same time. I would stand around chatting for awhile after the service, and then slip into my car and charter myself home to a luncheon sandwich in the loud quiet of my house. Something was missing.
Sometimes a huge canyon separates us from the other members of our species. We gaze across the great chasm and wonder if friendship will ever be ours.
This week we will explore some of the world of friendship, and a good place to begin is courage. “Courage is fear that has said its prayers,” said Ann Lamott. To risk, to take the first step, make the first move can be daunting. But the more you do it, the more you realize that most of the world feels the same way, and we all welcome the gracious offering of a bridge.
Quote:
“Let him who cannot be alone, beware the community... Let him who is not in community, beware of being alone.”
—Dietrich Bonhoeffer Living Together
Prayer:
O Master grant that I may never seek
so much to be consoled as to console
To be understood, as to understand
To be loved as to love with all my soul.
- attributed to St. Francis
19.2 Friendship as Greater Gold
“A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.” Proverbs 18:24
“Jonathan said to David, ‘Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do it for you…’ Jonathan had David reaffirm his oath out of love for him, because he loved him as he loved himself.” 1 Samuel 20:4, 17
Friendship is elusive to us because we are both fast-paced and erotically over-charged in our culture. By “fast-paced” I mean our accelerated, nomadic life that discourages us from forging deep, lasing relationships--even though we can supposedly “keep in touch” electronically with a long list of friends. In addition to this, our culture is erotically over-charged; that is, pursuing the constant orgasm at the expense of cultivated friendship. Notice how instant sexual intimacy is regular fare in most films, while faithfulness over the decades is rarely presented in a positive light. These are the myths we live by.
We do not know much about David and Jonathan’s relationship. But it comes through the scriptures with a memorable strength and intensity. Jonathan has a fierce loyalty to David, and later on, David does a special favour for Jonathan’s disabled son, Mephibosheth. It is this exchange of favours, this mutual agreement about life that brings a rare delight to our lives. It is so good to share pain, stand strong through sorrow. It is good to be known by another.
I had a friendship that began with a simple “No way, you, too?” This friend has now journeyed with me for years, and he speaks into my life with care and candor. When it looked like I was making a bad decision, he bluntly exhorted me to deeper reflection. When I was celebrating life, he was there to share the joy. It is a gift, a wealth that cannot be measured.
We need to recover the art of taming each other, which is another way to describe the art and discipline of friendship. To have someone who knows you, your history, who makes you laugh and allows you to vent—this is truly a gift, greater than all the gold one can pile in a vault.
Because the disciples knew Jesus’ teaching, he said: “I call you my friends.” (John 15:15) You might say this is the goal of the Christian life: to be friends with God, human beings, and the whole universe. Discipleship is a road to philea--friendship love.
Quote:
“My friends are my ‘estate.’”
- Emily Dickenson The Letters
Prayer:
Dear God, Divine Friend:
Help us to see wealth in the most holistic way and to receive with gratitude and delight those who grace our lives as friends.
In the name of Jesus, our brother, Amen.
19.3 Good Conflict
“No more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbour the truth... Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry.” Ephesians 4:25,26 (The Message)
“I believe in getting into hot water,” said G. K. Chesterton. “I think it keeps you clean.”
When conflict arises, we gravitate towards one of two errors: fight or flight. Those who fight see the conflict as a loss of control and immediately attempt to regain what they perceive they have lost. Life for them is always a succession of wins and losses.
The other error is flight: when conflict arises we immediately panic and either deny there is conflict, caving in to the other person’s demands, or detach ourselves by analyzing things internally and walk away.
Our text is paraphrased: “You do well to be angry.” Anger is a response to some perceived loss. It is an emotion that can energize us to be authentic in conflict and stand up for what we think is right. It need not lead to an ugly fight, knee-jerk retaliation or the plotting of revenge. Anger can help us focus, listen to the details, and think clearly about next steps.
Some Christians feel they are ethically obligated to fly from conflict. They abhor conflict. But if such were the case, there would be no prophetic speeches, no standing up for justice, and a church full of soft, resentful people.
The Mennonites have developed a thoughtful and practiced culture of conflict resolution. They have mediators who are called in on difficult situations to help people sort out their grievances in as constructive a way as possible. I’ve seen them work skillfully in my own community. They help weave shalom into the frayed knots of our lives.
At times, the Bible uses the word “angry” to describe God. Jesus may have wept, but he was also angry and disagreeable on occasion. We, too, are called to discern the time to be angry, and to work through conflict to shalom with the Spirit’s leading.
Prayer:
God of all emotions:
Thank you for gifting us with intuitions and energies. Grant that we might direct our anger aright, and channel it towards the good and the right. Amen
Quote:
“Conflict is the gadfly of thought. It stirs us to observation and memory. It instigates to invention. It shocks us out of sheep-like passivity, and sets us at noting and contriving. Not that it always effects this result; but that conflict is a sine qua non of
reflection and ingenuity.”
- John Dewey "Morals Are Human," Dewey: Middle Works, Vol.14, p.207.
19.4 How do you KNOW?
“I will make a helper suitable for him." Genesis 2:18
I spent considerable time and energy in my youth flummoxed by the question of whether God was calling me to marriage. More specifically, whether God was calling me to marry the particular person I was dating. How do you know who is "suitable" for you?
Advice is rarely scarce. Some pundits focus on sociology: does your prospect share your values, interests, and ethnic background? Are you looking together in the same direction? Other sages recommend you evaluate the chemistry: can you play, pray, work and fight well together? Can you talk on the phone well, when bodies are not present to each other? Does your partner bring out the best in you?
Still other gurus suggest you go to your parents, mentors and friends for approval. These people know you best and they have your best interests in mind. They are usually not clouded by the infatuation that carries forward most budding relationships.
Laura Smit in Loves Me, Loves Me Not suggests self-examination. Do we want marriage or do we truly desire the other person? Marriage cannot be for its own sake. She contends that love is never blind but sees the other person fully, in love. Imagination is the opposite of love. In this regard, do unexpected revelations of this person produce delight or dismay? If you are not sure, she counsels against marriage. You have to feel prodded towards matrimony, and not slip passively into it. "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires," says the Song of Songs.
Ultimately, they say grandma was right: you just know. Its not a matter of mathematical certainty, but a matter of the certainty of faith. You feel in your heart, and it is confirmed by your witnesses, that God has gifted you with a partner suitable for you. Is there only one suitable person in the world for you? Probably not. But it might just feel that way when you hold hands under the stars one night.
Quote:
"Love is neither sentimental nor a passing emotion. It is an attraction to others which gradually becomes a commitment, the recognition of a covenant, of a mutual belonging... love means moving towards each other, it also and above all means moving together in the same direction, hoping and wishing for the same things. . ."
Jean Vanier Community and Growth
Prayer:
Gracious God, gift us with the discernment we need for the day. Help us to pay attention, recognize the pressures at work in us, and to give your Spirit free reign. Amen.
19.5 Counter-cultural Marriage
"Just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do." 1 Peter 1: 15
The sub-title to Gary Thomas' book Sacred Marriage is very revealing: What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More than to Make Us Happy? In a land where the pursuit of happiness is seen as a divine right, this comes as a radical thought. What if marriage is a crucible for learning to be Christ-like more than it is a fulfillment of your fantasy life? What if it prods you to grow more than it provides you with a comfortable place to park yourself at the end of the day?
It is so easy to see marriage, and a mate, as a means to an end. This instrumental approach can be disastrous. We assume that a particular person will be our ticket to bliss, but we usually find out soon enough that marriage can be tough. It requires a lot of give and take--even tremendous self-sacrifice.
I
I remember when I first planned to be married I had to cancel my plans to travel around the world. After marriage, because my wife was in the midst of intensive study, I was prime interior decorator, cook, and cleaner. These were not roles for which my bachelor life trained me. They say that infatuation is the glue that helps you stick through the fragile beginnings of marriage, and that, with some other perks, carried us through.
Then we switched roles. A few year later I was invited to participate in a "Sea to Sea'' bicycle tour. This meant I would be away from home for at least ten weeks. So this time my wife bore the brunt of household up-keep as I pedaled the kilometers away beneath the bright blue sky. I would not have been able to do it without her unequivocal support. Marriage is like that.
For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. Line up your expectations with the reality of Christian discipleship, the centre of which is a cross. Your life is not your own, and your happiness is not the goal. Marriage is not without its comforts and pleasures, but neither is it different from life in any community. You have to bear with one another in love, and sacrifice for the whole, in light of God's coming kingdom.
Prayer:
God of Sacrificial Love:
May we not be enticed by the false promises of marital bliss but be motivated by a deep passion to become beautifully holy. Build in us the character that builds your kingdom. Amen.
Quote:
"Love consists not so much in gazing into one another's eyes as looking together in the same direction." St. Antoine d'Expery
19.6 Gender Bending
“Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you… cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life.”
- Genesis 3: 16,17
There is a whole spat of popular books out attempting to explain gender differences that land men and women on different planets. Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps claims to base their distinctions on brain research. Men are like Waffles (they put things in compartments), Women are like Spaghetti (everything in life touches everything else) follows a similar stereotype.
People swear by these books because they reflect something of who we are. They resound. They can help. Unfortunately, they often inadvertently reinforce categories that many people, both male and female, are trying to reshape for the better.
Our Genesis text is the words of God spoken first to Eve then to Adam. They are not God’s original intention, but the consequences of human disobedience. For Eve, the curse means that she will have a tendency to be over-ruled by her husband. For Adam, it means he’ll be prone to become a workaholic. This is our fallen estate.
To participate in God’s renewal of life then means to mitigate these tendencies and to be free of their curse. To a large degree, post-modern times have blurred these gender boundaries, and roles are not nearly as rigid as they have been in the past. For example, my wife and I both work part-time and take care of our son part-time (although my wife certainly does more of the indoor domestic work.)
Cultural traditions around the division of labour still abound and they always will. They are a part of every human culture. Still, they need to be seen in light of the unfolding drama of creation, fall, and redemption. How do we redeem these roles handed down to us? What is good in them and what is fallen? We need to ask: are we living by the curse or by God’s saving grace?
Prayer:
Lord of All Creation:
Help us be secure in our gifting, malleable in our traditions, and passionate in our pursuit of love and service. In the name of Jesus, Amen.
Quote:
“From a biblical perspective, despite biological differences all humans--women and men--are called to image God by bearing the fruit of the Spirit. And the Bible encourages us to see such image-bearing as the product of formation or nurture: disciples aren't born, they're made.”
- Mark Mulder and Jamie K. A. Smith “Are Men Really Wild at Heart?
19.7 That and Thou
“The greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:10
I recall an anthropology professor telling me that Africa was more Christian than North America. He said this not because there are more Christians in Africa, which is true, but because the various African traditions tend to be more focused on relationships than on material gain. “We value things more than people,” he said.
I had a psychology professor who wrote something similar. He said that ideas reigned in his life more than relationships. He said he knew more about God than he actually loved God. What should be a thou had become a that to him. This no doubt was a general approach to life.
We confess this distraction late in life: “I wish I had spent more time with my kids.” “I wish we had taken more time to go out.” “I wish I had grown more alive in my prayers.” Regrets cling to us like a tattered cloak as we step nearer to the grave.
It is not just the quantity of relationship, but the quality of it that is important. People can live together for decades and still not really know each other deeply. You can visit a friend and chit-chat over tea for hours without truly connecting. Intimacy is something we all desperately want and secretly fear, and it only comes by risking sharing our hopes and fears, our joys and sorrows.
God is, in himself, a relationship. He has made us in his image and we are never fully ourselves unless we are growing in community. We end this week where we began: the greatest virtue is love. We need to connect, to move towards others and take the beautiful risk of disclosure. To know as we are known, this is the path of God’s new creation.
Prayer:
“Late I have loved thee, O beauty so ancient and so new. Late have I loved thee!” St. Augustine
Quote:
“How is it that we ache for each other and yet find relationships so difficult? …human relationships are another signpost point away into a mist, telling us that there is a road ahead which leads to… well, which leads to where we might want to go.” N. T. Wright Simply Christian
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